Do you feel at a loss trying to connect with an autistic teenager? You’re not the only one! Conversations between autistic and allistic (non-autistic) people can sometimes feel like you’re speaking different languages!
Our daughter has a dual diagnosis of ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD, and she’s a passionate advocate for other neurodivergent teens. I recently interviewed Kaiju (her online avatar name) to find out more about how to talk to autistic teens, and how to help autistic teens feel more comfortable in conversations.
In this blog post, Kaiju shares her autistic perspective on communication challenges between autistic and non-autistic people, as well as offering tips to bridge the gap.
Table of Contents
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Why is it difficult to talk to autistic teens?
Q: Why do you think it’s hard for people to know how to talk to an autistic teenager?
I think there’s two stereotypes that make up most people’s understanding of autism.
Unhelpful stereotypes
Many people think we’re like the Rain Man or Sheldon Cooper… It’s basically someone who’s really, really smart but doesn’t have any social skills whatsoever, almost magically smart.
He’s able to do complicated math in his head without any kind of paper or anything… complicated calculations that other people would need to use a device for. But he doesn’t really know how to talk to other people at all.
Neurotypical people think of us as hard to talk to because they think of us as either geniuses, or they think of autistics with intellectual disabilities. So people wonder, “How can I talk to autistic teens in a way that they’ll understand?”
Stigma and misunderstanding
It kind of dehumanizes us, it’s like thinking of autistic people as robots incapable of emotion. Treating us as robots, or like children, or small animals.
Sure, there’s a mental stigma to overcome a little bit. Some of it is just realizing that we often have trouble with social communication.
How can you help?
As an autism parent, or even a trusted adult, you may be wondering, “How can I make it easier on an autistic teen? How do I talk to them in a way that doesn’t stress them out?”
And if you’re one of those people who who wonders about those things, I love you! Thank you! It’s really not that hard.
Two common questions adults ask teens
Many older adults just struggle to know what to talk about with young people generally. There are two questions or comments that teens get all the time from adults.
We get school related questions (everyone’s favorite topic!). It’s some variation on “What are you planning in the future?” or “What are you studying in high school?”
As far as I can tell, I am not the only one at my age who has no clue what they’re doing! And why should I? I’m still growing and changing.
The second thing we get is comments on our height. “Wow, you’re so tall! Look how much you’ve grown!” I’m not that tall, but everyone’s always like, “Oh my gosh, I think you’re taller than me.”
I’m not judging you, I’m just saying it does get a little annoying, and we can tell that you’re not sure how to talk to us.
So I’m going to help you branch out to have some topics of conversation. And also, some autistic traits to be aware of when you’re talking to an autistic teenager, that may look different than if you’re talking to non-autistic people (or even neurotypical teens.)
Tips for talking to an autistic teen
Talk about their favorite things / special interests
I think I have the biggest one. Not sure what to talk about? Special interests! Whatever they’re into.
Not sure what they’re into because you don’t know them well enough yet? Here are the things I look for if I need to start conversation:
- T-shirt
- water bottle stickers
- phone decor / stickers
- pins / backpack pins
Most young adults are happily declaring the things that they’re interested in. Any kind of accessory I’ve got, I wear a lot of fandom stuff all the time and I’m always collecting fandom stuff. Seriously, it’s like all I ask for for gifts and holidays!
And it’s because it’s a conversation starter. It signals to other people that are also interested in Gravity Falls that I like that. “Here, come talk to me about it – I’d love to talk about it!” That’s a great starting point and that really helps.
And if you really don’t know, and it doesn’t seem like they’re signaling anything, just ask. Just ask what their favorite things are. If you know that they talk about something frequently, ask about the thing and then listen. It’ll make their day.
Lack of facial expressions?
Even if we’re not very expressive and our facial expressions don’t show it, it makes us light up. Nothing makes autistic individuals light up faster than asking about their interests. This works for me and just about every other autistic person I’ve met.
Plus you might find your new interest and passion. That’s how I got into half the things I’m into. There’s a web comic I really like, and I didn’t know it existed until one of my friends told me about it (it’s like her main special interest). I was like, “Oh my gosh this is amazing!”
Also if you want to see if you have common ground, ask them about one of your interests – maybe you share it! You will make their day, their week, their year maybe. You will make them really happy.
But just about everyone I’ve met, I’ll say “So what do you like?” And they’ll say “Oh I like skateboarding.” I respond with, “Really? Cool! Tell me about that.” And then they tell me about it and it’s awesome.
So talk about specific interests. There are a lot of specific interests that many autistic people share, so that’s a place you can start with.
Different communication styles
Q: What’s different about a social interaction with someone who’s autistic, that people might not be ready for? What are some things you would love people to know about how you communicate differently?
My communication style looks different than other people’s. The first thing is, just because I’m not making eye contact doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention.
If I’m looking at something else, I probably am paying attention. Especially if I’m talking, and doing a lot of hand gestures, and things like that.
Nonverbal communication differences
Hand gestures are a very autistic and ADHD form of non-verbal communication. So if an autistic teen is doing that, it means they’re really into the current conversation or social interaction.
So if I’m not looking at you, I’m probably looking somewhere else so I can gather my thoughts while I move my hands around.
What about eye contact?
Another thing: please do not force eye contact! We are listening. Don’t force the eye contact.
Honestly, if I’m really focused on eye contact, I’m not going to hear a single thing you’re saying – I’m sorry. I’m trying to convey that I’m listening but in the process actual listening goes way over here.
Pick the right priority – listening, not eye contact. It will make the conversation a much more positive experience for me.
A lot of times we make a big deal about eye contact. But in our social relationships I think it’s slowly becoming less and less of a common thing.
Active listening looks different
We’re starting to realize that people may be typing notes, and they’re actually listening, but they’re typing notes on a computer or on another device. A lot of people doodle while they’re listening to try to keep their brain in the game.
An autistic individual might be looking at a clock because they only have a certain amount of time left. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to talk to you.
It might mean that they have to leave soon – it probably does mean that. But it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to talk to you, and that they’re like “How soon can I be done with this?”
They’re just like “Oh how much more time do I have? This much time. Okay I got to track that clock because I don’t want to be late for my thing.” I’ve done that.
Interrupting
Or maybe they just noticed that there’s like a duck behind you. A really interesting duck!
They might point out the duck and change the subject of conversation, or interrupt you. They probably didn’t mean to do it on purpose – they’re just really distracted by the really cool duck they saw behind you.
Missing social cues
Something to remember is that autistic children and teens don’t always recognize that there are social norms for different situations. Or an older child may recognize that social norms exist, but they don’t necessarily understand how or why the norms are important.
So a neurotypical person might recognize, “I shouldn’t jump in to talk about this special thing because the other person is still talking.”
However an autistic person may be way more focused on the fact that, “If I don’t tell this person that a duck is going past, they’re going to miss it!”
So in that moment it’s actually a form of love to interrupt because they’re trying to help you see something that they don’t want you to miss that’s really cool. They want to share it with you! If we interrupt you, it’s not that we don’t care.
Forgetting our thoughts
Interrupting you can also help us listen better, because if we share our thought, then we’re not waiting to share our thought. And then we’re not trying to remember our thought, or just focusing on trying to keep our mouth shut.
For an autistic teen, if you’re focused on keeping your mouth shut, your ears kind of shut off too. So then there’s really no point.
Repetitive motions or stimming
Also, just gesturing during a conversation – stimming. I haven’t had anyone comment on it yet, thank goodness! But it looks different than neurotypical people’s body language.
If an autistic young person is doing a repetitive motion that you think is weird, they may not realize they’re doing it. And even if it really bugs you, especially if you know they’re neurodivergent, just ignore it please. It’s the smallest act of kindness, but it means so much .
Sometimes there’s repetitive behaviors that autistic kids or teens (or even autistic adults) are engaging in, and it helps them focus in social situations.
It actually keeps them in engaged in the conversation and helps them to understand what you’re saying because they’re getting rid of energy that would keep them distracted.
Here are a few different motions I do when I’m in conversation mode. If I’m happy – the flapping one. I do it all the time. Other people also do it.
I’ll also swing my arms and do all sorts of things! And for years, all the big gestures, because they’re fun!
Lack of small talk
Many autistic teens, and a lot of autistic adults and kids aren’t necessarily into small talk.
There are all those social norms of people talking about like “Hey, how’s your day going? What’s the weather like?” All these trivial-type questions and statements.
Autistic people frequently don’t have a lot of patience for that because they have difficulty understanding why those questions are being asked to begin with.
So you can move past those pretty quick, and then move into something interesting or fascinating for both of you. That will probably work a lot better.
Starting a conversation
I have this line that used that I used for years when I was younger and I’d always find a new friend in about five minutes.
It usually ran something around the lines of “Hi, I’m Kaiju. Do you like dragons?” The second question out of my mouth!
Nowadays it normally runs more around the lines of “Hi, I like your colorful hair.” I find something to start the conversation.
I mentioned asking about your interest to see if you have common ground. A lot of that stuff apparently is considered as small talk by neurotypicals.
The importance of special interests
But for autistics, it’s not small talk. It’s deep, because if you ask them about their special interest, it’s something that’s very close to their heart. With me, it feels like it’s intertwined with my soul.
I also think that what a person’s favorite characters are, their favorite song is, says a lot about the person. If there’s a song that someone listens to as their comfort song, you should listen to it.
I think you can understand the person a lot better just by engaging with the things that they feel are very formative.
Basic questions
If you’re going to ask a question like, “How are you doing?” I don’t like those questions because the default answer you’re supposed to say is, “Good.” It doesn’t matter if your house literally burned to the ground! It’s really just a trade.
It’s not a question at all! Don’t ask the question if you don’t want an answer.
Q: Sometimes a neurotypical person may be trying to have a conversation with an autistic teen and the teen is not responding, or not answering, or maybe even they’re non-verbal at the time. They’re non-speaking. Is that because they don’t understand what’s being asked?
No, they probably understand what’s being asked. I have a lot of times where you’ll have to ask me a question multiple times because I just won’t register that I’ve been asked a question.
Antenna illustration
Our “antenna” isn’t tuned into that (social cues). Everybody else has an antenna, but we have to build our own out of aluminum foil and twigs and duct tape.
Meanwhile everyone else is over here with their big high-tech one that’s made of titanium! A nice properly made antenna. Not one that got thrown together – we just got this silly little not-very-functioning one.
But we’re trying. And you know as we get older we get better. We use better materials than just aluminum foil. So our antennas get better, and we get better at communication skills and social skills.
Misreading conversational cues
But it still makes it hard because we can’t tell when someone wants to start a conversation, or when someone is flirting. It doesn’t always mean we didn’t hear the question, or that we don’t care.
We might not physically hear the question. I know I don’t sometimes, if I’m like really zoned out. It’s just like the adults in Charlie Brown. “Womp womp womp…” It doesn’t actually register as making sense.
Increased sensory input
It’s important to notice too that autistic people take in way more information than the average person. So sensory overload may be another reason they aren’t verbally responding.
Mental processes
Think about all the things that would be involved in formulating a response to a question, or having a conversation with someone.
If someone asks me a question I have to:
- hear that question in my brain,
- process, “What does this question mean?”
- decide what kind of response would be appropriate,
- think about how to form those letters with the musculature and with the parts of my body and mouth that are appropriate,
- and if you’re talking to someone who’s neurotypical, they’re also going to expect you to have an appropriate facial expression and eye contact.
So all of these different skills are automatic for many neurotypical people. These communication skills that allistic people perform automatically, are actually not automatic for a lot of autistic teens.
Non-speaking doesn’t mean unintelligent
Just because an autistic person is non-speaking, it doesn’t mean they haven’t understood it. They just may not be able to process it fast enough. Or they may have a hard time articulating all the stuff in a way that is going to come out making sense to you.
That was one of the things that was really neat about reading the book, The Reason I Jump. It demonstrated that this is an autistic young man who is non-speaking, and yet when he writes through the use of his alpha grid, he wrote so articulately.
It’s clear that his brain works just as well or even better than most neurotypical people’s brains. He just doesn’t have the verbal ability.
So it’s important to realize that autistic communication styles may look very different than neurotypical communication, but that’s not a reflection of their intelligence.
Of course, some teens with an autism diagnosis also have an intellectual disability. But many people diagnosed with high-functioning autism spectrum disorder are just as intelligent as the average neurotypical or even more intelligent.
The most important thing
If you are a friend or a family member of someone who has autism or ADHD – thank you for trying! That’s the most important thing – you are trying.
We understand that you’re not always going to be perfect. All we want is for you to try. And if you are trying, then you are already winning, and we love you, and keep doing that.
-Kaiju
You may also appreciate these posts:
- ADHD in Teen Girls, as experienced by a Teen Girl
- High Functioning Autism vs ADHD: an AuDHD teen’s perspective
- ADHD Teen: Executive Dysfunction, Time Blindness and Sensory Issues
- ADHD Resources for Adults and Teens
- Parenting Mistake: How to Fix a Parent-Teen Relationship
©️ Copyright 2025 Jennifer D. Warren & Kaiju Dinkum
