How can you stay happily married to your ADHD spouse? That’s the question I’m answering here today. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in his late 30s. We’d already been married for over 15 years at that point, so it came as a surprise to both of us that he had ADHD.
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So I talked in my last post about some of the grief and other feelings that I had to work through when he first got his diagnosis. If you feel like that would be helpful to you feel free to go check that out.
In this post I’m going to talk about some of the things that we’ve learned in the last six or seven years that have helped us to keep our marriage strong. These tips helped us keep moving forward even though he now has this new diagnosis of ADHD.
Why are ADHD marriage tips necessary?
ADHD can be a real complicating factor in a marriage. I think it’s especially so when you had no idea it existed in your marriage until after you’ve been married a while. You have to readjust a lot of the habits, and a lot of the understanding that you started the marriage with.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor is this post intended as medical advice. I am sharing my experiences of what has worked for our family and in my own marriage of nearly 20 years to my husband Brian.
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A necessary warning
The first thing I want to start off with is that, this post is not going to have the same kind of effect, and is not going to apply to those who are in an abusive relationship.
I want to say straight out that ADHD is not an excuse for abuse. It may explain some abusive behaviors, but it is not an excuse. Any tips that I’m giving here assume that both partners are committed to understanding each other and committed to working together on the marriage.
@dinkumtribe Replying to @badbitchhria abusive people behave in ways that non-abusive people, struggle to understand. That doesn’t mean that the victims of abuse are naïve or foolish. Rather, it’s an indicator that abusive people are behaving in ways that are unhealthy and toxic. Victims can’t imagine treating anyone that way. @@DinkumTribe ADHD family travel @DinkumTribe ADHD family travel @DinkumTribe ADHD family travel #nocontactwithparent##abuseawareness##abusers##toxicparentbehavior ♬ original sound – DinkumTribe ADHD family travel
If it’s just going to be one of you doing all the work these tips aren’t really going to work as well. You may still find some helpfulness.
But if there is abuse, or if there are other diagnoses – other mental illnesses or mental health issues – or if there is just an abusive relationship, I do not recommend these tips for you. I recommend you go and get professional help for some of these things.
1. Learn About ADHD
The first tip that I want to share about staying married to your ADHD spouse is that you both need to commit to learn all that you can about ADHD. Commit to learning about how it affects your lives.
There’s a lot of ways you can do this. You can do this through lots of videos, you can do it by reading relevant books together. My husband and I have taken turns reading books by professionals in the field.
Recommended ADHD resources by professionals
I highly recommend “Driven to Distraction” if you’re kind of a nerdy, brainy-type. There were some really great examples in there that helped us when we were first figuring out what my husband’s ADHD looked like in his life.
Another one that’s easier to read and shorter is “ADHD 2.0.” That’s a more recent one by Ed Hallowell and John Ratey. Those are both really great books to start off with.
@dinkumtribe Yes. It’s one of the paradoxes of ADHD. #adhdfamilies #adhdparenting #adhdproblems #adhdfamilylife #adhdfactoftheday #adhdemployee #adhdinfo #adhdingiftedkids #adhdstruggle #adhdinwomenandgirls #adhdinformation #adhdlearningaboutadhd #momsofadhdkids @drhallowell @dinkumtribe ♬ Sonic – MoneyGamer
Recommended resources from personal experience
If you’d like something lighter, a little more fun, easier to read, Penn Holderness has just released a book called “ADHD is Awesome.” I highly recommend it.
I also highly recommend watching the Holderness Family’s videos where they talk about ADHD and their marriage. Penn has ADHD and his wife Kim does not, so that’s also a great resource.
Plan to spend time learning about ADHD, because it’s going to inform your thinking. It’ll help you to be able to work through stuff in the most effective way possible.
2. Communicate, and over-communicate
My second tip is that you’re going to need to communicate frequently. What I mean by that is, you’re going to need to repeat yourself and recognize that that is not going to be uncommon in your marriage.
ADHDers (people who have ADHD) often struggle with focus even in important moments. It’s not on purpose, so don’t assume that they’ve heard you and understood you.
They may have heard it, they may have registered that you were speaking. But if they weren’t focused in on you, they may not actually have heard you.
Both partners will need to work on this
Both partners have to work on this. The partner with ADHD needs to recognize, “Hey, I don’t always engage my brain at the moments that are most convenient for me and for my partner.”
So the person with ADHD is going to need to be okay with being humble and saying, “Ah I wasn’t listening – can you repeat that?”
And the person without ADHD is going to need to be willing to repeat things, and to understand that their ADHD partner is not trying to not listen. A lot of the time it’s simply a factor of how the brain works.
How do we stay on the same page?
You’re going to want to work together to come up with ways to stay on the same page. What works really well for Brian and I is we both put all of our appointments on Google calendars, and we check Google Calendar before we add new appointments.
We also have a wall calendar in our house. For the whole family we have a wall calendar, as well as a digital calendar that we can reference. So we’re not (hopefully) getting our wires crossed – although it still happens sometimes!
My saying in my house is, if I didn’t write it down, it doesn’t exist. That’s what we have to hold ourselves to in our family. So figure out a way that to communicate so that you guys on the same page regularly.
3. Be honest about struggles and feelings
The third tip is one that sometimes is really hard for those of us who are, by nature, compassionate or people pleasers. It’s this: Be honest with each other about your struggles and feelings.
It’s really normal to feel irritated at the toll that ADHD takes on both of you – the partner who has ADHD as well as the partner who doesn’t. Both of you are going to find times when you are frustrated, angry, irritated, worn out… just DONE with how ADHD life impacts everything!
You need to share those with each other, but share them without accusation. Remember to use lots of “I” statements: “I feel afraid… I feel frustrated… I feel very tired.” Use those “I feel” statements and share them together.
We’re teammates, not rivals
Do your best to remember that you’re on the same team.
It’s hard! ADHD really can be challenging on a marriage and in a family. Both of you need to acknowledge that. But you also need to have the other partner acknowledge that you’re struggling, and that you have hard feelings that are valid.
So be honest with each other, KINDLY and without accusation. Be honest about how you’re feeling and the things that you need to talk about so that you can be open, and have an open relationship.
4. Celebrate the benefits and good moments
Tip #4 is to look for the benefits and good moments and recognize them.
This is not always the easiest thing to do! ADHD has its challenges but it also carries amazing beauty and joy. Those moments are the ones you want to look for and the moments you want to celebrate.
Celebrate the things that make your marriage unique. That time that your partner spontaneously brings home flowers, or chocolate, or whatever it is. The day that you decided to just get up and go out for coffee one morning, and skip all the appointments.
That kind of spontaneity, and that kind of energy – yeah, it can be frustrating, but it can also be beautiful and amazing!
I’m thankful so many days for my husband’s desire to do different, and desire to do new. His thirst for novelty and adventure helps me especially when I’m just bogged down by the hard and the boring in life.
You want to look for those moments and celebrate them.
Find the humor in ADHD moments
Try to learn to laugh at yourselves when you can. The more you can laugh about some of the hard moments and some of the moments that could potentially be irritating, like, did he lose his fifth comb this week?
If you can, laugh about those things! Try to have a sense of humor, because getting angry doesn’t necessarily help the situation. So as often as possible try to laugh together.
5. Assume the best of each other
Tip #5 is, assume the best of your partner. This is why I said the warning before: if there’s abuse in your marriage, then this is dangerous.
Clear through any issues of abuse, make sure that’s not the case for your marriage. But then, assume the best of your partner.
ADHD struggles with motivation and energy
Your spouse with ADHD is having to put in way more work than the average person to get the same results.
Their motivation disappears at will! Their energy is like a roller coaster. Motivation for ADHDers comes and goes like lightning: it’s here and then it’s gone. That isn’t something they can help, it just has those kinds of swings.
Now my energy doesn’t work that way. My energy tends to be kind of, more of an ebb and flow, that’s a little more even keeled.
My husband will have bursts of energy where he can get a ton of stuff done – way more than I could get done in the same amount of time. And it’s followed by an equally difficult crash where it’s hard for him to do anything.
@dinkumtribe #onthisday The irony that ADHDers are often perceived as lazy, when in fact they have to put in more work that neurotypical people to get the same results! 🤦🏻♀️ @DinkumTribe ADHD family travel @DinkumTribe ADHD family travel @DinkumTribe ADHD family travel #adhdtiktok #adhdawareness #adhdinwomen #adhdproblems #adhdfacts ♬ Good Energy – Jeppe Reil
Just be aware that that is normal for them. They are probably giving it their best. It’s tempting to think that they may be being lazy, but a lot of the times they simply lack motivation. That’s a chemical issue it’s not usually a moral issue.
So try to assume the best whenever possible.
6. Get therapy for both spouses
Tip #6: get therapy! Just do it! If you don’t have a therapist already, go and get therapy.
I want to recommend that you get it individually. Each of you needs someone safe, needs a safe place to vent.
You need a safe place to talk about things having to do with your partner. Because even if you’re trying to not speak about it in accusing tone, there’s usually a lot of social accusation, a lot of social criticism that your ADHD partner has already lived through.
If you’re the person with ADHD, then your spouse is already putting up with a lot of things that maybe they wouldn’t necessarily have to be putting up with if you didn’t have ADHD.
ADHD is difficult in a marriage
Recognize that this is going to be hard for both of you. You are both going to do well if you have a therapist who you can just honestly vent to and get the hard stuff out. Then get back to problem solving together.
I really honestly believe that everyone can benefit from therapy if they’re willing to go and do the work. But I realize that’s not possible for everyone.
However if there’s ADHD in your marriage, do yourself a favor, get therapy! You will thank me.
7. Find safe community
The next tip is to engage in safe community. What I mean by this is, find friends who have ADHD.
Find another couple who’s dealing with ADHD in their marriage – one or both spouses have it. Find a support group that is supportive and acceptive of neurodiversity.
For us, we have a church where people are very accepting of that. It works really well for us. But we have also participated in multiple different kinds of support groups for various issues.
Being with people who understand what neurodiversity looks like and are willing to accept differences is huge! Find that community for yourselves, because it will encourage you in the low moments and help you not to feel so alone on this journey.
8. Consider medications
The next tip is to consider medications. A lot of times, if you’re an adult with ADHD who got diagnosed in adulthood after you’d gotten through your school years, you may feel some resistance to trying medication. Or you as the spouse may feel some resistance to them trying medication.
This can be for a variety of reasons. Reasons I’ve heard include:
- “Is it going to change my personality?
- “I’ve gotten this far without it, why would I need it now?
- “I don’t know what kind of impact it can really have.”
Our decision to try medication
We worked really hard to try coaching, to try changing behaviors and all sorts of things when we first got my husband’s diagnosis. Or rather, when we first got our kids’ diagnosis. We tried all things that were non-medication to see if we could cope with this and really get good results without having to use medication.
After about 6 months of that we decided we were going to try medication. I wish we had just started it from the beginning! Because if you’ve already gone through years of undiagnosed ADHD, you’ve already learned some coping skills, if you’ve survived that long. You’ve probably hit the limit of them.
Why we recommend ADHD medication
If you haven’t tried medication, I highly recommend it. Medication is one of the best tools available to help manage ADHD, especially when you use it with other tools like coaching, therapy, behavioral stuff – timers are a great example! – planners, things like that.
All those other tools that you’ve been using up to this point – they’re good. Medication can really fine tune that and make life a lot better for both of you. The other thing about medication is it reduces the likelihood of addictive and dangerous behaviors.
9. Watch out for addictions
My final tip is to be on the lookout for addictions. Addictive behaviors – maybe it’s not a full addiction, but it’s kind of compulsive – and unnecessary risk-taking: all of these are things that are a result of ADHD.
Is it the only reason? No, of course not! Trauma has a big factor there, and lots of other reasons. But people with ADHD are far more likely to get addicted to things and that is because of their biology.
Dopamine differences in ADHD brains
Their brain actually makes them more susceptible to it, because their brain is seeking dopamine wherever it can get it. Many addictive type behaviors provide dopamine, and so it’s just that their brain is craving that.
It’s not even something they do on purpose (consciously), it’s a medical thing. It’s a biology thing, is what I’m trying to say. This ADHD behavior of seeking dopamine it’s their biology.
The dopamine doesn’t have the same effect on them that it does on other people. So they need way to get more of it.
Common addictions in ADHDers
Some of the addictive behaviors that I’ve seen with people who have untreated ADHD are:
- Workaholism: they just work themselves to death or work themselves into a frenzy or exhaustion or burnout.
- Alcoholism is common.
- Screen addictions: video games, watching TV compulsively Pornography or sexual addictions is another common one
- Excessive exercise: people who spend hours and hours at the gym – more than is necessary to be healthy.
- Overeating: that’s a common one. Or having a real sweet tooth, like an excessive sweet tooth, that can’t seem to stop themselves
- Excessive risk-taking. People who are – we call them “adrenaline junkies” – they’re just so hooked on those high intensity, need-to-have-that-rush kind of behavior.
All of these are behaviors that unmedicated adults who have ADHD often engage in. Yes, it’s a choice, but it also has to do with their biology.
Add your ADHD marriage tips in the comments!
I hope these tips have been helpful for you, and that they will help in your marriage to your spouse with ADHD. If you have other tips feel free to add them in the comments.
©️ Copyright Jennifer D. Warren 2024.
